A Letter from the Past to Future

Here is an excerpt from a letter that I received from my grade school teacher,

"Sorry to hear you are out of work.... We are reading an interesting book here... about looking in the mirror and confronting the ugly side of us... I can take care of ugly or try to run away from it. Sometimes I do a little of both."

I am not out of work. That makes it sound as if I sitting on my couch eating Doritos and moaning about how there's nothing to do. I work over 40 a week writing, drawing and soliciting publications. I was fired from my last job for being severely depressed about the waste of time that I was allowing my life to be. It was a struggle just to maintain a mask of normalcy. I tried to explain the situation to both of my bosses but each conversation ended with them being offended because I felt their job had no meaning for me. I tried to explain in further conversations that while what they do has an obvious bearing on their lives, since they've made it their careers, I was only there to do whatever they asked and collect a paycheck.

I'm not a jerk; I lack tact. It's both my greatest skill and my biggest weakness. I call things like I see them and find it impossible to hide how I feel. I have worked very hard for that ability, open expression is the greatest gift of the artist. When I was growing up my parents didn't allow us the freedom to think and feel for ourselves. But it's necessary for me. When I stop listening to my inner driving forces is when my personality truncates and I am left wooden, two-dimensional. I did nothing in particular that upset my coworkers and I was selling a shit ton of merchandise because people liked my open honesty. But my coworkers were taking it personally that I was unable to interact with them in a superficial way.

Where I work in the creative world, confidence in one's choices and the ability to express oneself is the most vital skill one can have. My boss said to me right before she fired me, "Caleb, I need you to pretend like this job means something. It's an acting gig." God, pretend. I pretend for the purpose of entertainment and here she was asking me to fake my way through reality. I can't, I won't. In fact, I hate people that behave that way. Moments after I start a conversation with these people it begins to get stale. People that only live their lives on the surface lose their personality to a mask, they lose their ability to feel and stop pursuing their desires. So I've cast my lot in with the freaks and outsiders, the ones that say what they're thinking and don't worry about how it is going to be received. I prefer it because at least I know what's going on with them and I can respect their opinion even if I disagree with it wholeheartedly.

I'm not hiding, I'm not running. I recognize myself and am taking appropriate action toward goals that satisfy me as a sentient being. There is no such thing as an "ugly side" to humanity au natural. We create it when we try to mask our differences in order to fit into polite society. It is the putting on the mask that creates all sorts of deviants. "This is okay, this is not okay" is bullshit because this is how I feel. We can not evolve socially if we are trying to shield ourselves from the naked truth of what is. Our heroes are the ones that are not afraid to show us everything that they are. It's all the others that end up going to their graves like cattle.

Too much? Then forget everything I just said and insert the words, "Yes, ma'am. You are absolutely right." The only way we can deal with our "ugliness" is by existing in it and being okay with the fact that we are who we are. It is this path that will bring fulfillment and prosperity to my life.