Please, help. He's living in my neighborhood.

Walk by his window late at night and you will hear the low, steady slurping sound that is apt to chill you to the bones. Brave children say that if you can get on his front porch, you can hear him crunching Chix mix in his teeth. We know he does it because he gets fatter ever year. We see the killer's evidence on his chin and milk-stained shirt. We wouldn't judge him so much if he would just come clean. Tell everyone he has a problem. But no. Daily we see 1/2 a dozen milk bottles go in full and come out empty the next morning! It's cereal and we know it.

Please help, they always take off when there's something important to do.

I don't really trust anyone or anything until I can see the proof of their words. Lots of things will tell you, "yeah, yeah, yeah. I got it." But to me that doesn't actually mean they'll take care of said thing. It means they intend to take care of said thing, which is subtly different. While I appreciate creatures intentions, they're actual actions can be both surprising and bothersome.

Please, help my piggies get full of cash.

If you get a porcine outside it's natural habitat you will see that it can be quite intelligent. These two are the pet project of a wealthy millionaire on the upper east side. They have been playing 3 matches a day in constant preparation for a showing. No one has yet to pay to watch them but one of these days. That's what the millionaire keeps saying, "One of these days."

Please, help. Being pretty can be such a bother.

I know it. It's hard to be the most attractive animal in the species. Everyone's got to come over for a go. It helps them re-evaluate their status in reference to the pack. And that's fine. It's just so tedious.

Please help Mr. O'Shea.

I thought about it for a long time. What does happen when a unstoppable force hits an immovable object? I was convinced that the force would drive itself through the object but that only seemed to work for some types of forces/object pairings. So then I was thinking about physics and how the force meets and divides it. To be an unstoppable force one has to be able to ricochet off of immovable realities.

Best of luck.

The King of Elphia

Please, help me remember to laugh.

The problem with jumping out a window is that you don't get to have the full experience of it. At some point your brain tunes out all the input that it's receiving. Even when you hit you should be so jacked on adrenaline that you don't feel it. I just gave myself the heebee jeebiees. It's better to watch other people do it. Then you feel better because at least that's not you.

Please, help. She was filthy.

But that was part of her charm. You couldn't believe the innocence of the look that she would give as she splashed the slimiest muck in your face. I went every Saturday for a year.