A Funny Story

Seals having a good time

I've mentioned before that I am all for everyone having a good time. Do what you want with who you want, I don't care. But I have been warned of a very dangerous situation brewing. The most insidious that must be stopped. Clubbing seals fill the streets every night, barking to each other after all the other citizens, including myself, are asleep.

No crackers makes a hungry Polly.

Rude Awakening

This one was also done for a travel magazine. Unfortunately, they have rejected it.

For printing:

The Adventures of Buttman: The Streets

Duck the collar.

I had to go in disguise to an office downtown. It was only after I got home, took off the tie & put my collar back on that I remembered how taxing it is to wear a leash that doesn't jingle.

Just keep your headlights up, Rolls.

I try to bike around the kingdom as often as possible. I love it. Generally you can get wherever you need to faster than if you had taken public transportation or driven. Plus there are sooo many places to park. I just want to make sure that our big brothers are looking out for us. If we hit you, you get dented. If you hit us, we're broken.

Baby Dick

I'm sure that the tag will bring all sorts of lurking to our fair kingdom. I'm sure some point someone will get offended. That happens at pretty regular intervals (see below). This one was actually inspired when I was described as having "Gimli dick" in reference to the dwarf from Lord of the Rings.

The King is back!

Citizens rejoice! I have spent time away to learn from the rulers of neighboring fiefdoms and am returning stronger than ever. You will notice some distinct changes: Full color. Shadows. The loss of the "please, help..." tag & the new meme format. Evolution is a constant process and your king is no different.

Please help us never forget.

Poem by Matt Lang.

Goodbye, Elphia. You've been a beautiful dream.

Please, help. Dogs are so stupid!

I have tried and tried to explain to him the concept that invisible doesn't mean non-existent but he refuses to listen and keeps running headlong into the door. I guess he just needs the proof of its existence impressed on his mind.

Also, Happy Birthday to Gabe.

Please, help. Even king guys get the blues.

It's weird how one little thing can change your entire perception of a person. It was going fine, the two of you were making concessions for the other person to be in your life. You were trying to negotiate a peaceful co-existence. But then you do something that shakes your partner so hard that they have to do something to really shake you up. And there's no real good explanation for it. Well, there is actually. It's called perception. Our reality if filtered through the way that we perceive events. For the first part of the relationship we see thing as going great as our psyche tries to merge our egos with that of our partners. So far, every break-up for me has come exactly at the point where my brain recognizes that that's not true. Then I start behaving more like an individual and it turns out that the girl, whoever she is, didn't like me as much as we thought.

No, I complain like I'm the only one that this happens too. But I know it's not true. Everyone is getting dumped all the time because people are wising up to their situations.

Please, help. He's living in my neighborhood.

Walk by his window late at night and you will hear the low, steady slurping sound that is apt to chill you to the bones. Brave children say that if you can get on his front porch, you can hear him crunching Chix mix in his teeth. We know he does it because he gets fatter ever year. We see the killer's evidence on his chin and milk-stained shirt. We wouldn't judge him so much if he would just come clean. Tell everyone he has a problem. But no. Daily we see 1/2 a dozen milk bottles go in full and come out empty the next morning! It's cereal and we know it.

Please help, they always take off when there's something important to do.

I don't really trust anyone or anything until I can see the proof of their words. Lots of things will tell you, "yeah, yeah, yeah. I got it." But to me that doesn't actually mean they'll take care of said thing. It means they intend to take care of said thing, which is subtly different. While I appreciate creatures intentions, they're actual actions can be both surprising and bothersome.

Please, help me remember to laugh.

The problem with jumping out a window is that you don't get to have the full experience of it. At some point your brain tunes out all the input that it's receiving. Even when you hit you should be so jacked on adrenaline that you don't feel it. I just gave myself the heebee jeebiees. It's better to watch other people do it. Then you feel better because at least that's not you.

Please, help. She was filthy.

But that was part of her charm. You couldn't believe the innocence of the look that she would give as she splashed the slimiest muck in your face. I went every Saturday for a year.

Please, help. The holidays lack meaning for me and the man in the mirror.

Please, help. I'm jealous of child stars.

Sure, they get fucked up psychologically because they have to make adult choices when they should be enjoying the lack of responsibilities but they do get to have the nation's attention while they're growing boobs.

Please, help. No matter how you slice it, it doesn't get more interesting than in and out.

Please, help. The eye stalk creates a crater in your forehead.

Holy crap enlightenment can be painful. It's not so bad until the third eye takes root and cracks your frontal bones apart. That can be a bitch. Because that rift changes the way that you see everything. And once it's taken root there is no going back. You can close your new eye but you can't stop the visions.