Please, help. My sweetie is too far away to kiss.

Out on the farthest out reaches of our kingdom, a treeman stands post, looking out into the desert for the return of the Man. The Man, it is fortold, will point the way to the mythical city in the desert. I have been there only once and nearly did not make it back. If our treeman spies a way back to the Man then we'll all be notified at once.

Have a happy new year.

Pleez, help. {chomp} {/chomp}

Please, help. The holidays lack meaning for me and the man in the mirror.

Please, help. I'm jealous of child stars.

Sure, they get fucked up psychologically because they have to make adult choices when they should be enjoying the lack of responsibilities but they do get to have the nation's attention while they're growing boobs.

Please, help. No matter how you slice it, it doesn't get more interesting than in and out.

Please, help. She's a he!

Surprise! You're gay!

Please, help. I never get what I want for X-mas.

Cos she's always playing just out of reach.

Please, help. The eye stalk creates a crater in your forehead.

Holy crap enlightenment can be painful. It's not so bad until the third eye takes root and cracks your frontal bones apart. That can be a bitch. Because that rift changes the way that you see everything. And once it's taken root there is no going back. You can close your new eye but you can't stop the visions.

Please, help. One letter can make all the difference.

Please, help. Teeth are bones.

Rolling dice in the yard... the usual. i had already bet away all of my chocolate. i tried to shit out more but it looked like I was just gonna have to wait... Toothfairy says teeth.... I feel lucky.... Don't fuck with her, kids. She's a real mean summabitch.

Please, help us remember not to fire the guns in the spacecraft.

Fights are stupid. Especially if you care about the person you're fighting with. Because at the end even if turns out you were right you still have to deal with the repercussions of them being wrong. Or the things that you did in the meanwhile which may have drastic results later. Sure, the volleys may have only peppered the hull with micro-abrasions but the divots will be where the stress fractures form when we go for re-entry.

Spanxzilla: Annie. Slutting on broken glass.

I started writing this post on 11/9/09 to comment on how Annie Lennox, "Walking on Broken Glass" gets mixed in with anything. But I stopped myself from saying anything because I could only vaguely think of a couple weird connections. So I have been waiting Elphians until I had a solid case. Today is that day.

- Ms. Lennox will understandably play between Aqua, "Barbie Girl" and ATC, "Like a Drum"

- But she will also jump in between kids songs "Hakuna Matata", Tim Rice and The Sounds of Sesame Street "Elmo Would you Drive My Car?"

- And to top it off today, she came up first in the queue which is great. Even if that song is kind of Pandora-slutty it's nice to listen to. But she was used to lead into a grinding, squealing guitar run starting with "Ratamahatta" Sepultura and ending with Rob Zombie's "Thunder Kiss '65" (which has become my all time favorite squealing, guitar song because of the solo that he does at the end of the live track).

To some up, I have nothing against Annie Lennox. I'd just like to hear more of her music. And I think it's strange that broken glass has a list of genomes with such a high level of versatility. I wonder how many other songs exist like this.

Addition:

- she has also showed up between indie artists (feminine men singing with guitars) Damien Jurado, "Inevitable" and Iron and Wine's "Sodom, South Georgia".

I've got to know. What does that song have that makes it so matchable and are there other songs like it?

Please, help us complete rule 34.

There's not a lot for these guys to do except once a year and even then they don't really do most of the work anymore. After they went corporate they've had reliable stand-ins and they have had the chance to step back from the action and enjoy the years hard work they put in. The problem with these guys is that they have been breaking into people's houses for years. They have a skewed sense of morality to say the least. Making this rule 34 was actually their idea.

Please, help. Even the music in my head is emo.

Tragic. I know. What's the point of anything really. Let's all climb inside our own cradles of filth and confess things to our dashboards while we're looking for our new found glory. Tragic.

I know.

Please, help. Is there anyway to tell if a relationship is actually working?

They just seem so mismatched. And maybe that's the beauty of it. Maybe.

Please help. I'm a werewolf in sheep clothing.

It's funny how you can never escape from your own experiences. I was raised in the American Church Conglomerate by a wild pack of fundamentalists. Our sect was different than other versions of American Christianity in that it was stressed that the Bible was, in fact, literally true. We were steeped in the gospel from birth until I left home. Yeagh.

Fast forward to the present where I live very far from that world and that life. I'm the King of Elphia for Christ's sake. I mean, really, how much farther away can you get? From anywhere, truth be told. So I got a weird sense of nostalgia when I climbed into a cab and the driver began to proselytize me. Weirder still, suddenly all of the scriptures that I was made to memorize for candy and promises of heaven came rushing back, pouring from my mouth like sweet water from a rock. I wish that I had had an outside perspective on this situation and that the only thing was actually coming from my mouth was, "baa, baa!"

Pleez help. He didn't level up proportionately.

A friend of mine, the Earl of Delsdale (if you must know), caught (or had caught (it's hard to tell with the Earl as he is quite capable but often lazy for the sake of laziness (no offense, EoD))) a Perfulgeon. He must have had someone else catch it because they didn't seem to notice it's obvious birth defect. Actually, that was probably why they were able to catch it (normally a full grown Perfulgeon can move at a speed of 156 kph in the water); this guy was doing slow figure eights with that sad sack expression. The Earl named him Charlie McFearson because he felt so sorry for him.

pleez help. i iz purty shore they leff-ted me out hair

No one ever told me what a snipe looked like. I was just supposed to go out and find it. Remind you of anything? What is Life? is correct! We're all just out hunting snipes. Whatever they are.

Please, help. It only looks like I'm crazy!

Multiple personality disorder is no joking matter. But it is kind of funny to watch Yoda change his voice 15 times during a half hour conversation. It's so involved, his face awrithe with twitches and spasms.

Wilf: Charlie Bit Me - Remix

This is great! I did the standard youTube thing and went on looking for a particular thing and then ended up 5 videos later at this one. Sometimes the trip down the rabbit holes pay off. You can search for the original if you want to see it but I think you get the drift.

Please, help! I thought they knew.

I swear, they act they didn't notice that my voice was muffled and my lips never moved. I have very observant friends.

You may have noticed, the Internet, that that color has come fully into effect here. There is the occasional black and white day but, for the most part, it's like this all the time now. It stops hurting your eyes after a couple of days.

Spanxzilla: Throwing up clef signs.

This was super amusing to me when I was at work and on a long rap groove.
It ended after an hour or so with Coolio's, Gangsta's Paradise and then switched quickly to Partita for Keyboard No. 5 in G Major by Johann Sebastian Bach. My feeling is that Pandora was probably following the genome of heavy orchestration combined with obvious attention to recording quality.

Please, help me make it through a winter of mornings.

So far this is my absolute favorites. I am such a fan of horror movies. I got to watch Rob Zombie's "Halloween" on the 31st. It made my evening absolutely memorable. He did a great job. I thank the Maker that we get Netflix in Elphia.

Get a print of this cartoon.

Please, help. The machines have given me a 12' x 12' cubicle and I'm "happy".

Spanxzilla: Black and white unite?

Having some many genomes in Spanxzilla makes it a little schizophrenic. Like it's talking to itself and then responding. Like this morning "Swervin" by The Coup (a song about how the african american community is being kept down by the government and most of them have no choice but to sell drugs and go to jail) which was responded to by Jimmy Eat World's, "Middle" (which is an upbeat and pop-y reminder to middle class tweens not to give up because everything just takes some time to come to fruition).

Update: As I was writing this entry, Spanxzilla responded to JEWs, "Middle" with Nappy Roots' "No Static" (detailing how he actually has no problems because he has a gun and "too much of anything can make you an addict").

Please, God, help me to catch her without hurting her.

Please, help. I have seen our future and it's bright.

Please help us make it to this beautiful future.

This is how I see my girlfriend and myself. Out of place but well matched to one another. She's the chair. I'm the bizarre lamp.

Please, help! Survival of the fittest is harder in human society

Please help them follow the Oregon Trail past Gandolf

When one pop culture reference runs into another.

Please help. With elves, peer pressure comes in twos.

Please, help. The BearWolfEagle exhibit is like watching a Sarlacc pit.

The Zoo for Digestion, located near the historic heart of Elphia, is known for throwing different species together and then slowing down time so that visitors can watch the destruction of these beasts in intimate detail.

Please, help. I'm a cartoon like just like anyone else.

Please help, I don't know what to do with it now.

Please, help. Even Elphia's skeletons are cute.

Please, help him. He's only a man in a rubber suit.

What? I superhero can't have a little drink now and again? Sheesh.

Spanxzilla:

I couldn't even come up with a title this transition was so strange.

Atmosphere, Yesterday - which is a very slick rap about how he missed his dad because he was to angry too see who he really was before he died --> Weird Al's, Phony Calls which is a parody of TLC, Chasing Waterfalls about prank calling.

Please, help. We almost existed in the same time and space as your world.

I found an old scrap book from when I was living among the humans. Three dimensions is a strange feeling, I'll have you know kiddos.

Please, help. I had everything going for me.

Please, help. I will never surrender.

Under a quarter moon is the only time that ducks and hippos fight formally.

Spanxzilla: Ads

I listen to Pandora over 40 hours a month. I'm not sure how many but it's enough that they've sicked the ads on me hardcore. Mostly I just ignore them like I do any ad but I think they have them responding to the genome's as well.

Between Britney Spear's Womanizer and N'Sync's It's Gonna Be Me they plunked in an ad for something called, The Two of Us, which is a site about how to make relationships work. I cracked up. I think the guys on the project are trying to tell you something, Justin and Britney.

Please, help. This one will bother my vintage sweetheart.

But I mean it in the sweetest way.

Please, help those who send morons to do their work for them.

I can't stand incompetence. There's nothing that bothers me more than people that are unwilling to learn because they won't apply themselves.

Spankxilla: Fuck you, Jesus.

Lol! This is great. It just went from Norman Greenbaum, Spirit in the Sky which is super cheerful and upbeat about having a friend in Jesus and how when we die he'll take us to Heaven --> Ill Nino, Te Amo, I Hate You which is grinding guitars and a guy growling "Fuck you!" as the chorus.

I don't think I've ever heard a better transistion.

Update:

Exception for after an hour of screaming guitars ending with Limp Bizkit's, Break Stuff ("give me a chainsaw, I just might skin your ass raw) --> Jim Brickman (all piano, sounds like, two words. John Tesh), If You Believe

I'm sure there's a pattern here, I just have to find it.

Spanxzilla: Kill the drag queen as a child.

So here may be possibly weirdest transition in the history of the "Chronicles of the Music Genome Project" (as this section of the blog will now be called) going from

Country Death Song (which is a slow drag song about how a man goes insane and decides to push his kid into a well) Violent Femmes --> Wig in a Box from the Hedwig soundtrack.

I don't know if you know this, Elphians, but I love Hedwig and want to play her sooo bad.

Spanxzilla: Getting left

I just noticed another genome, I think. Or it's a coincidence but my feeling is this is something that the guys at Pandora would notice

Sara Bareilles -> Love Song -> The Killers -> Mr. Brightsides -> Violent Femmes -> Please don't go.

I normally give descriptions of the songs that I'm listing but I'm pretty sure that you've heard all those songs.

Spanxzilla: Rappin'

Nothing really new to update.

I love Slick Rick!

And this found in an old medical magazine:

Please, help. My shadow shortens the closer they get.

Less and less people are being shocked by the color. It's becoming almost a daily accorance with more and more popping in each day. It's like the day we all bloom into adulthood.

Please, help they had to quarantine me when I got back home.

When I got back from the desert they had no idea what I had caught. I was shaking and stammering. Couldn't get a lick of sense out of me. I felt much better after I came out of the case, sometimes I do that just so I can have a chance to decompress.

Please, help. There are cameras everywhere.

I hear that it was the all emotion he was spreading across the walls. The cameras seem to pick that up rather well.

Please, help. Some kids aren't full of shit.

I know, it's incredibly hard to distinguish the real stuff from the bullshit. But in some way they are telling the truth even if it's analogously.

Please, help. No joke.

So I drew this one last year as a joke. And now I'm posting it in sequence. I didn't know if you're aware but time moves a lot slowly here. It's strange. From what our Elphian scientists can tell we're occupying the same space just not in the same seconds that you're there. This blog has been our only form of communication.

Please, help. They're going to Burn the Man.

http://burningman.com/index/popcount.html

This was good for 2009. It may not be current any more.

Please, help. We can't put our life on hold indefinitely!

Heh, heh, heh. I tricked those that random assortment of objects. I told them I was having a little get together that Cornucopia didn't know about. Then they all looked disappointed, so I told them he didn't know about it yet if they just closed their eyes.... Heh, heh. That kept them still. Then I ran off. And Cornucopia is never going to show up. Ha, ha! Ha, ha! Ha HA aha ha ha!

Please, help. The Lord works in mysterious and overbearing ways.

...and out a distant galaxy stepped God! Phasing into existence right in front of a nut crank machine. Apparently even God knows that the best nut you ever got comes from an Elphian Nut Crank ®. I just wish that he had replaced the floor when he left.

Please, help. All the test results are negative.

I had some scientist looking into the source of the color that has been spreading ever more rapidly across our kingdom. So far they have shown that that it is irreversible and not only takes over things that are filled with love but also things that are consumed with emotion, period. Which has been detrimental, to be sure, in some cases.

This just made me laugh.

Who is God?
Answers to Your Religious Questions Chat Live with a Mormon! <------ !
www.Mormon.org

Need Evidence for God?
How about six reasons for God's existence? Clear. Straight-forward.
www.everystudent.com <----- !

Who and What is God?
Why is God a mystery to mankind? Astonishing answers in free book.
www.TheTrumpet.com/mysteryoftheages

God Loves You <----- !
This Prayer can change your life
www.Jesus2020.com

Online RPG Video Games
Fight monsters with magic or might. 100’s of weapons, armors, and pets. <------- !!
www.BattleOn.com

Please, help. This is easier than planning a meeting.

Spanxzilla: Old country can be just like walking on broken glass.

Sometimes I think that the project has taken on a highly ironic sense of humor. Right in the middle of a classic country run (Johnny Cash, Tommy Cash, Lefty Frizzell) it pops in Annie Lennox's "Walking on Broken Glass" with a little wink and a smile and then goes right back the country. If it's not trying to say something then I don't know what to think.

Please! Help me out of the color trap!

I don't think I can describe to you the terror. Booby traps? I was expecting booby traps. I've met all sorts gizmos throughout the maze. But lasers?! In color?! I can't help myself. Why should I even fight for survival against a cube with color? I give up, sear me into cube-shaped pieces.